If ever there was a time to ask yourself, “What would Batman do?”, this is it.


Unless you spend all of your live long days hidden away from civilization stowed away God knows where in a cabin out in the wilderness all by your lonesome, passing the time writing whiny, self-righteous, incoherent ramblings, passing for displaced manifestos addressed to political figures who wouldn’t piss in your general direction if your body was engulfed in a furious white hot blaze of epifanglorious hellfire, there may come a time when you find it absolutely necessary to straight knock the bejesus out of someone.

Establishing a motive for laying hands upside the head of your intended target is always a good thing, especially should the long hand of the law show up on the scene post fisticuffs.

Now, what on earth, pray tell could justify such unrefined, indecent uber indulgent skullduggery?

Glad you asked.

Well, perhaps they made the mistake of stepping on your brand spanking new Air Jordans.

Maybe they double-dipped a chip or two into your prized chorizo queso dip at your favorite cantina.

Perchance they revealed plot spoilers to the latest John Wick sequel after you told them to keep their damned dirty pie holes shut about it.

Well, whatever the case may be, if you have determined said offender has earned an introduction to the business end of your backhand, it pays to know the correct etiquette involved in ensuring they get the maximum enjoyment of the tasty knuckle sandwich you feel obliged to administer to their supple, unrepentant jowls.

It’s really quite simple, actually. Just do like so:

  1. Focus your eyes on your target, with intense disregard and disgust.
  2. Make sure you envision your backhand making direct contact with the fleshiest, meatiest portion of their grill.
  3. Draw back your unclenched hand with gusto and aplomb, remembering to start your windup way down in the southern most nether regions of your ballistics encampment.
  4. Now, shift your body weight back on your dominant leg with force and purpose, so as to summon every ounce of your power into your biceps, forearm and wrist.
  5. Now, as you thrust your tightly clenched fist upward and forward, straight and true, making a direct beeline for the object of your disdain, unclench your fist, so as to make your handchete aerodynamically unencumbered, landing it with so much force the intended party may indeed wake up dehydrated.
  6. Don’t forget the all-important follow-through.
  7. Revel in the acoustical heaven that is the sound of backhand meeting foreface.
  8. Now smile like you mean it.
  9. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
  10. Get the hell away from the scene of the crime.

There. See how easy that was?

Now get on out there and make me proud.


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