There’s an old saying ­– perhaps you’ve heard it: In life, sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.

So, while it was all fine and good that in last week’s post I gave you the 411 on what it takes to properly put the smack down on anyone who steps out of line with one of the most effective barehanded tactics known to mankind, The Jack Slap, I now realize there’s a flip side to that equation.

Which brings me to the subject of this week’s post.

Upon reflection, and in a moment of clarity, I realized that there may be times when you may find that you’re on the receiving end of the aforementioned coup d’et-slap. Should that scenario ever shows its ugly face, you should be equally prepared to withstand that particular onslaught head on.

To that end, here’s my Top 5 suggestions on how to get you out of the line of fire and into the perfect position to gain the upper backhand.

  1. The Tidy Upper-Cut: This maneuver should always be executed mid-attempted Jack Slap and do remember to be sure to land it squarely on the jaw meat of your would be attacker for maximum effect. NOTE: This tactic is best deployed by trained boxers and MMA fighters, but if you’re neither, take solace in the fact that your opponent’s jaw is not aware of your paltry punching portfolio. And in remembering the feel of a shattering jaw and the sound of teeth hitting the linoleum is one of life’s manliest pleasures.
  2. The Old Roundhouse Jack Kick Counter-Move: Believe me when I tell you that your opponent will never see this coming, and like I always say, a surprise ass whooping is the best ass whooping there is. Just be sure your foot lands squarely on his jaw, or if you can’t pull off a kick that high, aim low –as in making a direct beeline with your foot all up in his man eggs. (Yes, it’s literally a low blow, but are you more concerned about your reputation as a gentleman or your perfect fighting record? Exactly.)
  3. The “Counter Jack Slap”: This one practically writes itself. Just follow steps 3-6 from last week’s post and you’re in there like that there. This tactic has the added benefit of terrifying your opponent into believing that you’re actually reading their tiny little mind. And who doesn’t love that?
  4. The Knee-To-The-Sausage And Cabbages: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Just rear back on your dominant leg and foot, then thrust your knee forward and upward with every ounce of your manhood, directly into his man part headquarters. Be sure to give yourself enough clearance from the impending projectile vomit that will no doubt arrive shortly on the scene as a result of this well-orchestrated countermeasure.
  5. The Indiana Jones Special: Remember the scene in “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” when that guy in the turban pulled the sword out and got all fancy with the sword play and Indiana Jones quickly remedied that situation by introducing his would be assassin to some bullets? Hey, what’s good enough for Indy is good enough for you.

If none of those tactics work, you can always try to absorb the Jack Slap and take it like a man. And then proceed directly to the Round Table Of Manliness and hand your Man Card over because you will not be needing it any longer.

All kidding aside though. Use any of the aforementioned tactics and you should be good to go should anyone try to mess up your money maker.

You’re welcome.

 

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