Real talk? The stuff on the left is a sad excuse for the deliciousness on the right.


Gentleladies and Gentlemen, I’m just going get straight to the point at hand, for the truth shall set you free.

And the truth is simply this:

Canadian Bacon is not, I repeat is NOT bacon.

It’s not today. Nor was it yesterday. Nor was it ever.

Now, I’m not exactly clear on whose not so bright idea it was to name such an inferior cut of meat by that unfortunate misnomer, but one thing is abundantly clear; if the genius who birthed that moniker had any taste at all, it sure as hell wasn’t in their mouth.

To say nothing of the unspeakable insult it is to connect two such spectacular words in their own right, together to concoct such an astoundingly and bitterly disappointing new term from them that doesn’t come anywhere close to the magnificence of each individual word when defined on its own.

No, seriously. Marinate on this with me for a minute, Cochise.

First, you have the word “Canadian”, which is a word that refers to one the most magnificent countries on earth. Having lived there for 4 years as a lad, I can tell you that it lived up to the hype when I was a kid and it’s an even better place to live work and play now.

The economy is amazing. The land is beautiful. The government could surely teach this country a thing or two about how to treat its citizens. They have great sports teams. The fishing is some of the finest to be experienced anywhere on the planet. If you’re into winter sports, you’ll find no better place to pursue them. It’s a gastronomic paradise.

And the women. Lord have mercy, don’t EVEN get me started about the women. As a general rule, they are not only ridiculously smart and breathtakingly beautiful – get this, they speak French, damn them.

Now I ask you, what more could one ask for in a country? Sure it gets a touch chilly in the winter, but hey, unless you’re a real and certifiable candy ass, that’s one more morsel of undeniable charm that makes Canada a place to treasure for all seasons.

Second, there’s bacon. Ahhh, yes, bacon.

Perhaps the single most delicious tasting food on its own ever conceived, formulated, executed and unleashed in the entire universe. No really, think about it.

Just the smell of it makes your taste buds spontaneously lose their damn minds, does it not?

So, it’s no wonder if you put bacon on your head that your taste buds will talk your tongue into willy nilly, full on beating your brains out just to get to it.

Why? Because bacon is damn delicious, that’s why.

How damn delicious is it? Just try and name one other thing that makes more things taste better when added to other things than bacon does.

No. Seriously. Go on and just try to think of one.

Only one. Just one thing.

Go on, now. I’ll wait.

How’d that go for you?

Thought so.

It simply cannot be done.

Now, knowing this, just think for a moment about the unforgiveable travesty that occurred when “Canadian” and “Bacon” were combined to create “Canadian Bacon”.

Oh, the humanity.

Hell, it’s not even called “Canadian Bacon” IN Canada of all places. No. Really.

Leave it to us Americans to give that train wreck a name actual Canadians wouldn’t utter.

Not to mention Canadian Bacon and Bacon have practically nothing whatsoever in common other than the fact they both come from a pig.

And that’s where the similarities and their unfortunate kinship ends.

You see, “American” bacon comes from the tasty fatty belly of the pig and is smoked, which gives it its distinctive, irresistible flavor. While “Canadian” bacon comes from the lean loin of the pig and is NOT smoked which gives it its distinctive complete and utter lack of any discernible flavor whatsoever.

Not surprisingly, “Canadian Bacon” has a lot less fat and a lot less calories than actual bacon.

But that’s okay, because, again, it clearly makes up for those spectacularly insignificant benefits by being practically inedible and devoid of taste.

Maybe that’s why in Canada its called “Peameal Bacon” for the way it was originally prepared – with an unpleasant mealy substance of dry and grind yellow peas into a meal to help preserve its awful taste all the better.

So, the next time you hear the words “Canadian Bacon” and the mere thought of putting it anywhere near your grill makes your throw up a little bit in your mouth, now you know why:

Canadian Bacon is not Bacon.


Subscribe to get Musings From The Man Cave updates free. You’re welcome.