The Definitive Fry Power Rankings: Why Five Guys Destroys Everyone

Everyone has opinions about fries. But most people are idiots, so their opinions are wrong. Let’s settle this once and for all: here’s the ranking of fast-food fries, from “barely edible rat bedding” to “divine potato enlightenment.”

7. Burger King Fries: Deep-Fried Regret

Burger King fries are the psychological equivalent of a deep-fried couch cushion. They’re fat, lifeless, and somehow manage to be both undercooked and overcooked at the same time. These things are so thick and bland they taste like they were cut from an actual mattress. They’re not “crispy.” They’re starchy pillows of despair. It’s like somebody tried to turn drywall into food and gave up halfway through. Eating them is like chewing on a padded envelope filled with mashed potatoes.

6. Wendy’s Fries: The Reboot Nobody Asked For

Wendy’s keeps “retooling” their fries like it’s the iPhone. In fact, they’ve reinvented their fries more times than Spider-Man movies, and every version sucks. Sea salt? Still bland. Skin-on? Still soggy. “Hot & Crispy”? That’s a bold-faced lie. These things hit your mouth like a cold French fry autopsy. If I wanted disappointment in stick form, I’d lick a broom handle.

They taste like the ghost of better fries haunting your meal.

5. Chick-fil-A Waffle Fries: Instagram Filters Disguised as Food

They look cool, like they belong on a Pinterest board about “elevating snacks.” Then you taste them, and it’s like biting into a frozen Eggo waffle that lost a fight with a deep fryer. Plus, they always give you about six of them. Nothing says “family values” like charging you full price for half a potato.

4. Arby’s Curly Fries: The Overachieving Sidekick

I’ll admit it—these are good. They’ve got spice, crunch, and they’re curly, which makes them fun. But they’re basically just deep-fried ramen noodles that wandered into the wrong fryer. Arby’s knows it too—that’s why they had to invent Arby’s Sauce to distract you. Solid, but not legendary.

3. McDonald’s Fries: The Overrated Prom Queen

There was a time—long ago, before McDonald’s started pretending to care about “health”—when their fries were the undisputed king. Golden, crispy, salty perfection cooked in beef tallow. They weren’t just fries, they were a gateway drug. You could smell them from a block away and practically levitate into the restaurant like a cartoon hobo floating toward a pie.

Then some genius decided to “make them healthier.” Translation: they sucked all the flavor out and replaced it with disappointment. Now they taste like salty shoelaces that got left out in the sun.  Sure, they still taste amazing… for about three minutes. Then they turn into cold, salted toothpicks. Eat them too late, and they crunch like packing peanuts from a radioactive UPS box.

McDonald’s fries used to be a rock concert. Now they’re elevator music.

2. In-N-Out Fries: Nature’s Biggest Mistake

California hipsters will die on this hill, but In-N-Out fries taste like they were cut fresh from the ground and then immediately left to rot in the sun. In-N-Out fries are the poster child for what happens when you confuse “fresh” with “good.” They brag about cutting potatoes right there in front of you, like that’s supposed to impress anyone. Congratulations—you turned perfectly good potatoes into pale, flavorless sadness sticks.

They’re off-white, flavorless, and about as exciting as eating a #2 pencil. Adding “animal style” toppings doesn’t fix the fries—it just disguises them under a pile of melted cheese and onions like a culinary witness protection program.  That’s not “animal style.” That’s “culinary life support.”

Here’s the thing: fries are supposed to be sinful. Greasy, salty, golden monuments to bad decisions. In-N-Out fries taste like they were designed by a nutritionist with a grudge. No beef tallow, no real seasoning, just raw potato cosplay. You could gnaw on a piece of cardboard from the fryer box and not notice the difference.

They don’t taste like fries. They taste like a punishment for wanting fries.

In-N-Out didn’t reinvent fries. They euthanized them.

1. Five Guys Fries: Potato-God Tier

Finally, the undisputed champion.  Admittedly, Five Guys is known for their burgers. Hot, greasy, dripping with cholesterol and poor decisions—but the fries? The fries are the real prize. They hand you this sad little cup of fries, but then dump an entire potato famine’s worth of extra fries into the bag. By the time you get home, you don’t have a meal—you have a biblical plague of fries spilling into your lap.

Five Guys fries aren’t just fries. They’re a religious experience. Perfectly crisp on the outside, fluffy on the inside, and seasoned like Zeus himself sprinkled Cajun magic from Mount Olympus. And the portion size? They bogart so many fries into your bag, it’s less of a side order and more of a potato avalanche. You don’t eat Five Guys fries—you survive them.

Other chains give you fries as a “side.” Five Guys gives you fries as a lifestyle choice. Worried you can’t finish them all? Wrong. You’ll shovel every last one into your mouth like a starving raccoon breaking into a Taco Bell dumpster. And when they’re gone, you’ll feel genuine grief. Not “Oh, I’m full” grief. I’m talking existential sorrow. Like your dog just walked out the door and joined the circus.

Every other chain has ruined their fries trying to be something they’re not. McDonald’s neutered theirs in the name of “health.” Wendy’s keeps tinkering like a mad scientist who never took chemistry. In-N-Out turned fries into vegan propaganda.

But Five Guys? They never folded. They never compromised. Their fries are unapologetically greasy, salty, skin-on, and piled so high you need FEMA relief efforts to get through the bag. They’re fries the way fries are supposed to be—sinful, excessive, and glorious.

To Sum Up: Five Guys didn’t just win the fry war. They nuked the battlefield, salted the earth, and pissed on the ashes.

So salute the bag. Eat until you hate yourself. And remember: as long as Five Guys keeps making fries, this country still has a fighting chance.