This is bacon. It came from a pig. If it didn’t come from a pig, it’s not bacon. This concludes our lesson for today.


I’m only going to say this once: If it didn’t come from a pig, it’s not bacon. PERIOD. Got it? Good. So, whoever the jackhole genius is who thought they were being clever when they stamped the word “bacon” on turkey, beef, tofu and every other sad imitation of honest to goodness real bacon, newsflash to you AND your mangina: you’re not fooling anybody.

If they were being completely honest, anyone who eats that garbage would tell you that facon shouldn’t even be mentioned anywhere within the proximity of a cajillion miles of real bacon. I could go on and go off incessantly about the crimes against humanity that are the very essence of those bacon imposters, but what’s the point?

The mindless lemmings who have validated faux bacon by parting ways with their hard earned cash and assaulted and insulted their taste buds partaking of it aren’t worthy of the time and effort it would take to show them the error of their ways.

No worries though. There have been bacon shortages for several years now, so let those who hate the real thing enjoy that insincerest form of flatterery that is imitation bacon.

Hey, it just leaves more for the rest of us.


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