Sir? Mind if I touch you on your pee pee?

If you travel by air as much as I do, being the International Manly Man Of Mystery that I am, I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you how much just getting from one place to the other can be a major pain in the ass. It was always, thus. That asshole with the exploding shoe and the horrific cowardly act perpetrated on 9/11 made sure of that.

So, anything and everything you can do to significantly lessen the total convergence of outright bullshit you have to deal with, the better. Admittedly, some things are out of your hands. Ridiculous prices. Obscene bag fees. Overbooked flights. Which brings me to the TSA. Believe it or not, they’re actually your friend. I know. I know. They scan your man parts without the courtesy of giving you a reach around first. And, yeah, they may profile you because of your clothing, your skin color, your accent, and who knows what else. And they just might humiliate you by asking you to step to the side so they can invade your personal space and your body cavities with some good old, additional screening, as a result of the aforementioned profiling, but guess what, cowboy? They can also make your life on the road a whole hell of a lot easier.

How, you ask, can they do such a thing, considering the bag of dicks they can and often tend to be? I got three words for you: TSA/Pre. If you don’t know what that is, or what it means, I’m about to rock your world. TSA/Pre is the designation you receive when you register for what is known as a “Known Traveler Number” on the TSA website.

All you do it fill out the form online with your background information, then after Homeland Security checks you out to make sure you’re not a sleeper cell for ISIS, you make an appointment at the local TSA closest to you. During that meeting, you e is true and up to date, then they’ll finger print you and after you pay a fee (Don’t worry, it’s good for 5 years.) of around $85, they’ll send you on your way.

If you’re approved, in about six weeks you’ll receive your Known Traveler Number. Now the good part: This number will change your life. How so? Well, from now on, you will no longer have to take off your shoes, take out your laptop and most importantly, stand in line with civilians who DON’T have a Known Traveler Number.

Which means you just show up with your boarding pass, go through security in the blank of an eye and proceed to the gate to catch your flight – like the boss you are. Just remember, as awesome as you now think the TSA is for doing you this solid, do not, I repeat DO NOT give the closest TSA agent a chest bump to show your appreciation. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that it will not end well for you if you even think about going there.


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