Sure hope he doesn’t choke on that turkey unlike his teammates did in the Super Bowl.
It matters not how blue your blood is or how serious and determined you are to maintain an air of decorum at all times – if you have a spinal chord, there will be times when you will have no recourse other than to go full on Caveman and eat with your hands. If you’re manly, this should be something you embrace with open arms. Especially at meal time. And especially when eating certain kinds of food. Foods that you should avoid at all costs if you’re not ready, willing and able to let you inner Caveman, out. Just so there’s no confusion about what your modus operandi should be in such instances, when such foods are within arm reach, your mission – should you choose to accept it, is to abscond from using anything remotely resembling a fork, knife or spoon and grab said foodstuffs with nothing but the dual meat hooks and opposable thumbs dangling so conveniently at the ends of your wrists. And what, pray tell are examples of the kind of victuals that demand your complete and undivided handholding attention? Here’s a list to get you started:
Ribs
Wings
Drumsticks
Bacon
Turkey Legs
Corn On The Cob
Corn Dogs
Jerky
Pork Rinds
Onion Rings
Shrimp
Poppers
Nachos
Sandwiches
Tacos
Donuts
Lobster
Lobster Rolls
Of course, there are many more tasty devourables you can and should wrap your grubby man hands around in the act of stuffing your pie hole. Just because they’re not all listed here does not absolve you from your duty to eat them thusly should they ever come within mitt’s reach of you and your ravenous grill. Eat them any other way and your cave dwelling ancestors, wouldn’t merely turn in their graves – they’d give you a well-deserved bitch slap. And rightly so.
