Men: The next time you get the sudden urge to take a picture of yourself, aka a “selfie”, do yourself and everyone else who has a pair a favor – don’t. Because on the manliness scale, you are about to commit a serious breach of all that is manly. So, if you have any designs on doing so, you my friend, must know the final score will be goose eggs.
Let me be clear: There is nothing now, nor has there ever been anything even remotely manly about taking a close up portrait of your grill and posting it all over the internet. You might as well buy a douche and a cozy for your mangina while you’re at it – such is the scorn reserved for male members of the species by men among men for doing such a thing.
Selfies are “cute” and “cute” and “manly” should never be used in the same sentence. In fact, I just punched myself in the throat just for using it to illustrate my point. If you want to be cute, don’t bother turning your Man Card in, it will probably spontaneously combust just from the shame of being anywhere within 500 miles of your candy ass.
As a general rule, you will be excommunicated from the tribe without being tried by a jury of your peers because you automatically have none. Of course, like many things in life, there are exceptions when a selfie is not only acceptable, but encouraged.
Such as if you have just wrestled a grizzly bear and decapitated it using only the power of your mind. Or if you made sharkskin cowboy boots out of a great white shark’s scrotum skin while he’s making love to his lady friend. Or beat a 12-pack of sumo wrestlers in a game of tug-of-war with the rope tied around your tongue. Or, if like the guy in the picture you see here, who snapped a selfie just moments before the giant shark you also see, ripped his leg off causing him to bleed to death – which you have to admit, is uber manly.
Take a selfie while doing anything in the ballpark of the aforementioned activities gives you a free pass to post as many selfies recording those kinds of shenanigans for all posterity as is humanly possible. Hopefully those particular examples will serve as a beacon of shame for slipper boys who don’t know any better who think it’s okay to post “cute” selfies of their narcissistic selves.