If You’re Going To Hunt, Hunt Like A Man
When it comes to manliness and hunting, I’m just going to call a spade a spade. The way men hunt today isn’t manly. It’s not even manly-adjacent. Strapping on a $2,000 rifle with a scope that can light up a flea’s butthole from half a mile away and then...
Believe Your Eyes: At Five Guys It’s The Fries
The Definitive Fry Power Rankings: Why Five Guys Destroys Everyone Everyone has opinions about fries. But most people are idiots, so their opinions are wrong. Let’s settle this once and for all: here’s the ranking of fast-food fries, from “barely edible rat bedding”...
Bacon vs. Facon
Listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this in a voice loud enough to shatter your gluten-free earplugs: if it didn’t come from a pig, it’s not bacon. So, newsflash to you AND your mangina if you call anything bacon that doesn't come from a pig: you’re...
Be A Good Sport And Shut Your Cake Hole
Dear slack-jawed spoiler-spewing degenerates: If you ever so much as whisper the outcome of a single solitary game before I’ve had the chance to watch it, I swear I will personally invent a new branch of torture specifically for you. And no, not the fun kind...
Congress Ran For The Hills But Epstein’s Victims Stood Tall
Back in July, Congress proved once again it’s less a governing body and more a daycare full of cowardly toddlers. Speaker Mike Johnson—better known as the Human Participation Trophy—slammed the gavel and sent the House home early for recess. Recess! Because God...
Meat Rules
I am an unabashed, unapologetic, unrepentant carnivore who occasionally uses fruit and vegetables to chase meat. And while I understand completely why people become vegetarians for health reasons, or to protest the cruelty done to animals in the process of...
Give Yourself A Hand
It matters not how blue your blood is or how serious and determined you are to maintain an air of decorum at all times—if you have a spinal chord, there will be times when you will have no recourse other than to go full on caveman and eat with your hands. If...
Why Fantasy Football Sucks Like An Electrolux
I love football, but I hate Fantasy Football. Here’s why. The year before last NFL season was my 3rd year playing. The first two years, I had a losing record. I sucked, and the other guys in the league tried to convince me that, because of how many points I...
Bo Should Know The Hall Of Fame
Dear NFL, Since NFL season is now officially back in full effect, do marinate on the following: If you want the Hall Of Fame to be taken seriously, how can you seriously not have inducted Bo Jackson into the Hall by now? Really? Seriously? I don’t need to tell...
What’s Pete Rose Gotta Do To Get His Due?
Imagine betting on your own team to win and being blacklisted for life, while actual garbage fires in cleats get enshrined in bronze like they cured cancer. Pete Rose has more hits than a Metallica tour, but yeah—let’s clutch our pearls over a gambling scandal...
GOAT YOGA IS A GREAT APPETIZER FOR WHAT’S TO COME
Saturday morning, somewhere between my second carafe of coffee and contemplating whether Keanu Reeves as John Wick could up the ante of his impressive baddie body count using a blow gun and nunchucks combination, I got a text. Not just any text, mind you. A...
Guess Who’s Back. Back Again. Max Is back. Tell A friend.
What’s happ’nen, Cap’n? I hope this posting finds you in good spirits and great health. Of course, considering the cluster fuck, shit show, dumpster fire, we are all party to in the current state of things, I frankly wouldn’t be surprised one bit if you were anything...
Somebody Please Call The Fashion Police And Have Them Set Their Weapons To Kill
Attention, All Manly Men. Listen up: Apparently, there are some grown ass men out there (and you know who you are) who think wearing the equivalent of an adult onesie in broad daylight is okay. You read that right. And make no mistake about it, it is a onesie....
Live Your Life Like You Mean It
Henry David Thoreau famously wrote, "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.” I don’t know exactly what he meant, because I wasn’t inside his head when he wrote it, but I think the general gist is, for whatever reasons, most people don’t live the lives...
The Real Reason Men Love Fake Breasts
I don’t know about you, but I’m not a fan of artificial anything. Artificial sweetener. Artificial flavoring. Artificial coloring. And especially artificial breasts. I think a woman’s breasts are most appealing and most beautiful when they are 100% all...
Dear Pepsi: The Conversation Is Over
Dear Pepsi. WTF? No. Seriously. WTF? At one time, you were the soft drink brand that all others wanted to be. One of the biggest reasons for that was because of your advertising. You always seemed to know just what to say in your advertising. And perhaps more...
The Most Delicious Thing On A Sushi Menu Isn’t Raw Fish
I love sushi. It’s my favorite food to eat, period. In fact, I’m a sushi snob. I’ve eaten at some of the finest sushi restaurants in America. In LA. New York. Chicago. Austin. San Diego. Las Vegas. San Francisco. You get the idea. If it’s sushi, I will pretty...
A Message To Senders Of Unwanted Emails
This message goes out to all of those companies out there that send me and everyone else out there emails we never requested in the first place as a result of being included on some list we never signed up for. It's a response to the following message we...