The Only Way To Cop A Squat
A few months ago, I wrote article about the perfect shit. Well, now I’m going to tell you how to achieve said shit. I have two words for you: Squatty Potty. This miracle of underwater brownie making perfection gives you and your bunghole the perfect angle to easily...
So What If The Pittsburgh Penguins Beat The San Jose Sharks To Win The Stanley Cup
The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the San Jose Sharks 3-1 in Game 6 of the National Hockey League finals, winning their fourth Stanley Cup title. Call me when real penguins beat real sharks in their natural habitat and I’ll be impressed....
Microsoft To Buy LinkedIn For $8.5 Billion? Really?
Maybe you can explain this to me, but Microsoft just announced that it will acquire professional social networking site LinkedIn for $26 billion in cash. Um, the site is nice and it’s a great way to promote yourself and your brand, but $26 billion in cash? Really...
Why The Northern Great Barrier Reef Isn’t So Great Anymore
People who think global warming isn’t really a thing, then please do explain why the Great Barrier Reef in Australia is dying. Scientist say it’s because of bleaching. And what’s causing the bleaching? Well, mass bleaching of this kind is caused by, get this: global...
Humans: 1 Gorillas: 0
Unless you were on a wild animal safari, shooting lions or leopards or elephants in a barrel, by now you must have heard that Zookeepers in Cincinnati shot and killed a 450-pound gorilla named Harambe to rescue a 4-year-old boy who fell into its enclosure. Apparently,...
Pat McCrory is an idiot
How ironic is it that the man who gets to decide who gets to use what bathroom by upholding North Carolina's new law banning local anti-discrimination ordinances is a man named Pat? At least I think he’s a man. Then again, he could be a girl. Only his gynecologist...
Everything You Ever Need To Know About Krispy Kreme Donuts But Are Too Lazy To Ask
If you’ve never had the pleasure before, there is only one word you need to know to know everything else you need to know about Krispy Kreme donuts. Glazed. Always. Get. The. Glazed. You’re welcome.
The World’s Best Hot Chocolate?
Once you have Starbuck’s Hot Chocolate, there will be only two days you will remember about all other hot chocolate you’ve ever tasted: The day you started drinking Starbuck’s Hot Chocolate. And the day you stopped drinking any other hot chocolate. And before you ask...
The Joys Of Apple TV
Oh, the joys of Apple TV. Seriously, if you have not yet experienced the amazing, mind-blowing awesomeness of Apple TV, you are truly missing out. The apps, games and entertainment possibilities alone are worth the cost of entry, but the thing that sets Apple TV apart...
No More “Lost & Found”: Only Found
If you’re like me, your mind is already chock full of too many other things to be concerned about remembering where you leave valuables like, say, your wallet, your car keys, your backpack and your gym bag. You know, thinking of things like NFL Football, Sex,...
The Best Porn Is Free Porn
I pointed this important fact of life out last year, but I think it is definitely worth repeating, so I'll say it again: If you love yerkin’ your gerkin, nothing beats your meat quite like the potpourri of free porn available on the world wide web. So, if you’re...
The Golden State Warriors Are Losers
The Golden State Warriors beat the San Antonio Spurs 92-86 on Sunday for their 72nd win, tying a single-season record set by the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls. Which will mean nothing when they face the Cavs in the NBA finals and lose. Hey, you live by the 3, you die...
The IRS Is Taxing Our Asses Like The Government
April 15th is Tax Day and unless you’re living off the grid in paradise somewhere, where you’re independently wealthy, or socking away stacks of off the books cash away in some off the radar, offshore account, that means it’s time, once again to tally up, pony up and...
Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn Of Mediocrity
Whoever thought this was a good idea was idea was smoking something and it must have been REALLY good. Sure, it’s a classic staple of the DC Universe and in the comics, this classic rivalry has always been something to look forward to – in comic books. The...
Johnny Manziel Released By The Cleveland Browns
Quarterback Johnny Manziel was released by the Cleveland a couple of weeks ago. In other news, the sun rose in the east and set in the west.
Man Buns: To Do Or Not To Do.
Just. Don’t.
The Only Waze To Go
If you live in a city where you travel from Point A to Point B behind the wheel of a vehicle you just so happen to be the pilot of, and like most men you have a worse sense of direction than you will ever care to admit, I highly recommend you proceed to your friendly...
Use Your Signal Lights Assholes
Hey. Yeah, you with the fancy imported car who thinks just because you drive a fancy imported car that you don’t have to use your signal light when you changes lanes. Newsflash: You have to use your signal lights to change lanes just like the rest of us. If you feel...