Manly Hot Dog Etiquette
Never leave a partially eaten hotdog. Never hold a hotdog with two hands while you have it in your mouth. And whatever you do, never, ever put catchup on a hotdog. Unless you follow that up by turning your Man Card over to the authorities immediately.
The Curse Of The Buffalo Bills
Dear Buffalo, I hate to tell you this, but your team is cursed. Sure, it may be stating the obvious, but let me just break it down for you anyway. You went to 4 Super Bowls. In a row. And you lost 4 Super Bowls. In a row. So, if you ever make it back to the Super Bowl...
The Manliest Movie Poster Of All Time
There’s no contest. Sure, the posters for Scarface, Goodfellas, The Godfather and Independence Day were manly, but the manliest ever? No contest: the poster for Predator 2. It just doesn’t get manlier than that. In fact, just looking at that thing may make hair grow –...
The Greatest Tagline Of All time
In the history of advertising, there have been some truly great advertising taglines. “The ultimate driving machine” for BMW. “Understanding comes with Time.” for Time Magazine. My current favorite, “We have the meats.” for Arby’s. And of course, the classic, “Just Do...
Meat Rules
I am an unabashed carnivore who occasionally uses fruit and vegetables to chase meat. And while I understand completely why people become vegetarians for health reasons, or to protest the cruelty done to animals in the process of getting them from farms to...
Illusions Of Mandeur, Anyone?
No one who is truly manly thinks they’re manly. They KNOW they’re manly. So, if you are unsure about your manliness, let me clear things up for you. You’re not manly if you have any doubts whatsoever about it. And for the record, muscles don't make you manly. They...
iPhones vs. Everything Else
If you don’t own an iPhone and you love whatever phone you do own, good for you. Just know that you’re only kidding yourself if you seriously believe that your phone is superior to or better than an iPhone. Not. Even. Close. This is not conjecture or opinion. It’s a...
Bo Should Know The Hall Of Fame
Dear NFL: If you want the Hall Of Fame to be taken seriously, how can you seriously not have inducted Bo Jackson into the Hall by now? Really? Seriously? I don’t need to tell you about his stats. I don’t need to tell you about how he changed every game he played in,...
Manliness Is Next To Awesomeness
Manhood. Masculinity. Manliness. Some people think those are bad words. Well, I’m here to tell you that they’re not. Manhood is awesome. Masculinity is badass. Manliness is liberating. And the world could use a lot more of all three. So get out there and spread as...
Be Like Matt: Toot Your Own Horn
There is no shame in tooting your own horn. You have to look out for your own best interest and part of that is making sure that you are not shy about promoting yourself based on your talent and ability. You are your own best advocate to get from where you are, to...
No Assholes Allowed
I’m going to keep this short and sweet: Don’t take shit from anyone. PERIOD. EVER. You only live once, so don’t waste any of your time putting up with assholes who aren’t worth your time or energy. How do you recognize the people in your life who fall into this...
The Best Porn In Life Is Free
In case you are late to the masturbation party, here’s some good advice to live by: Never, ever pay for porn. There is lots of perfectly acceptable free porn out there to yerk your gerkin to, so paying for it is just stupid. Unless you can prove it’s tax deductible....
How’s Your Play Ethic?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life is that you have to play as hard as you work. Sure, a good work ethic is a must if you want to get ahead in life. The thing is, having a good play ethic is equally, if not more than important than the latter. Playing hard is...
Be A Good Sport And Shut Your Cake Hole
Dear lucky bastards who get to watch live sports in real time: Please keep your cake holes shut about the results of said sporting events until such time that those of us who because of all that life that we’re living away from the television get in the way, have an...
True Friendship
Whoever said that you find out who your real friends are when it’s time to move or time to move a dead body was really onto something. Seriously, if your friend will help you move heavy objects from one place to another (especially if flights of stairs are involved)...
Untruth In Advertising
Toyota is currently running an advertising campaign that is trying to convince car buyers that choosing a Camry is a “bold choice”. Yeah, it’s a bold choice alright. Like going to Baskin Robbins with its 52 flavors and buying a vanilla ice cream cone is a bold...
The Fast Lane Rules
If you are not in a hurry, stay out of the fast lane. If your car has a 4-cylinder engine, stay out of the fast lane. If you are in no rush to go from point A to point B, stay out of the fast lane. If you think you have the right to drive any speed you like,...
Live Sports Schmive Sports
If you’re one of those guys who turns his nose up when someone says they tape games to watch them later instead of watching them live, you’re not a sports purist, you’re an idiot. Unless, of course, you enjoy watching shitty commercials or having sports suck your...